We all desire a circle of close friends who truly “get” us. But the secret to finding those people is becoming one of those people yourself. Friendship isn’t just a social habit; it’s an investment in your mental health and a reflection of your mindset. Maintaining friendships demands an intentional approach.
If you’ve been wondering how to “up your friendship game,” here are 15 actionable ways to treat the people you care about with intention and agency.
The Fundamentals of Trust
1. Guard Your Commitments: Reliability is the bedrock of trust. If you say you’ll show up, show up. Being a “person of your word” matters more than being the “life of the party.”
2. Radical Loyalty: Stand up for your friends when they aren’t in the room. Being a safe harbour for their reputation means never entertaining gossip or “venting” about them behind their back.
3. Master the Art of the Apology: Don’t let resentment fester. If you mess up, own it immediately. A sincere “I’m sorry, I handled that poorly” can save a decade of friendship.
Deepening the Connection
4. Drop the Mask: Let your friends really see you. Share your actual emotions, your fears about the future, and your “unfiltered” self. Vulnerability is the bridge to intimacy.
5. Listen More Than You Broadcast: Keep your conversations balanced. It’s okay to unload your stress, but ensure you’re leaving space to ask, “How are you handling things?” and truly listening to the answer.
6. Respect Different “Batteries”: Not everyone has the same social capacity. If a friend misses a brunch to recharge, don’t take it personally. Invite them without pressure and love them without judgment.
The Power of Small Gestures
7. The “Thinking of You” Text: You don’t need a reason to reach out. A funny meme, a throwback photo, a song on the radio, or a simple “Saw this and thought of you” lets them know they occupy space in your mind.
8. Bad Day “Pick-Me-Ups”: Be the person who drops off a coffee, “pings £5 ‘have a treat on me’ note”, or leaves a voice note when you know a friend is struggling. It’s the small gestures that carry the most weight.
9. Practice “Loud” Gratitude: Don’t just feel grateful for them; tell them. Explicitly stating, “I really value how you always listen to me,” reinforces the bond and boosts their confidence.
Shifting the Mindset (New Insights)
10. Pick Up Where You Left Off: Life gets busy. If it’s been months since you’ve spoken, reach out without an apology tour or guilt. True friendship is the ability to bridge the gap without resentment.
11. Celebrate Their Agency: Support your friends when they try something new; whether it’s a career shift, a new business, or a lifestyle change. Be the voice that says, “I believe you can do this,” rather than the one pointing out the risks.
12. Share Your “Resource Wealth”: Whether it’s a great book, a contact for a good accountant, or a tip on saving money, share the knowledge that has helped you. Being a “growth partner” is a high-level form of friendship.
13. Be the “Safe Space” for Failure: When a friend’s “life is a disaster” (as sometimes happens), don’t offer platitudes. Just be there. Let them know they don’t have to be successful or “on” to be worthy of your time.
14. Diversify Your Shared Experiences: Instead of just meeting for drinks or dinner, try something that builds a memory: go hiking, see a theatre show, visit a new city, go to a retreat or take a class together. Shared “lived experiences” are what turn acquaintances into lifelong companions.
15. Ask About Their Long-Term Goals: Go beyond the “daily grind” talk. Ask them what they are optimizing for in the next five years. Understanding their vision for their life helps you support them in a way that actually matters.
5 Questions To Check In With Your Friends
So often our conversations get stuck in the polite loop of “How are you?” and “I’m fine.” These five questions are an invitation to go deeper; to really see and be seen by the people you care about most. You don’t need a big moment to use them.
- The Current Season Question
“What’s taking up the most mental space for you right now; and how are you holding it?”
Why it works: Instead of the vague “Are you busy?”, this gently invites your friend to name what’s truly occupying their thoughts; whether it’s stress, excitement, uncertainty, or a quiet hope they haven’t said out loud yet. - The “Growth and Agency” Question
“What’s something you’re working toward or unlearning this year; and how can I support you in it?”
Why it works: This recognises your friend as an evolving person with agency, goals, and inner work of their own; and makes your support feel intentional, not assumed. - The “Support Style” Question
“When things feel overwhelming, what helps you most from me; listening, problem-solving, or a complete distraction?”
Why it works: We all need support differently. This removes guesswork and creates a shared understanding of how to show up for each other when life feels heavy. - The “Hidden Wins” Question
“What’s a small win you’ve had recently that you haven’t really celebrated yet?”
Why it works: Not every victory is headline-worthy. This gives your friend permission to acknowledge quiet progress; and to feel seen for the steps that often go unnoticed. - The “Connection Check” Question
“Is there anything between us that feels unfinished or distant; and what’s one small thing we could do this month to feel more connected?”
Why it works: This opens the door to honesty without blame. It helps prevent unspoken resentment and shifts the focus toward repairing, reconnecting, and intentionally nurturing the friendship.
Bring one question to a coffee date and let it unfold naturally over a meal. Send one as a voice note to a long-distance friend when texting feels too shallow. Or, if you’re with a close group, turn an evening into a gentle deep dive and move through all five together.
The goal isn’t to interrogate; it’s to open the door to more honest, meaningful connection.
Friendship Is A Lived Experience
“A lived experience is only made richer when shared with people who truly see your journey: your growth, your struggles, and the seasons in between.”
Friendship isn’t something that happens to us; it’s something we actively live into. It’s built through presence, honesty, and the choice to keep showing up with empathy and intention. When you engage in friendship this way, you don’t just create stronger connections; you create a fuller, more meaningful life.
So here’s your invitation: reach out to one person today. Ask a deeper question. Plan a simple moment together. Choose presence over perfection. Small, intentional acts are how belonging is built; one lived moment at a time.
Thank you for being a VCC reader.